Archive for the ‘wtf?’ Category

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you may be a social retard if…

May 26, 2008

your neighbor’s new roommate comes over to your patio to say “hey” and you can’t fashion a response.

your neighbor’s new roommate asks what wine you’re drinking and although it is a very nice italian chardonay and pinot grigio blend, thankyouverymuch, you simply say “it’s white and it’s cold!”

upon seeing your neighbor’s new roommate cross the threshold between their patio and yours you immediately IM your boyfriend who is upstairs, “NEIGHBOR!!!”

 

 

yeah.  it’s as funny to you as it is to me.  shudder.

 

 

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creepy politics

May 19, 2008

as of late i’ve been weary of people who say that this country “isn’t ready” for a female OR african american president.  some of my weariness stems from a need for self-preservation.  i mean, if clinton or obama doesn’t win the presidency by a significant mandate…dear god, i don’t want to even imagine what that would do to my mental state.

but my main reason for objecting to that kind of logic is that it undermines decades (centuries, really) of grassroots’ struggle for gender and racial equality.  it suggests that the feminist and civil rights movements have had little effect on the day to day lives of most americans and that the cultural phenomena sought to be overturned by such movements are still deeply rooted within us.

and through my brain isn’t big enough to discuss the true theoretical intricacies of my argument, it just FEELS wrong to suggest that i, as a woman, am no better off because of feminism or that barack obama, as an aferican american, is no better off because of the civil rights movement.  by extension, it FEELS wrong to also suggest that the average american isn’t more open minded and tolerant because of these two “equality” movements (and countless others).

which leads me to recount a recent scene.

mr. D and i were invited by a friend of his to come over to the friend’s house for a late lunch.  i had no idea what to expect but i knew four things – the invitee is an older woman, the invitee lives with her long time boyfriend, they live on expansive acreage “out east” or “in the redneck part of town” and this “late lunch” was bound to be an adventure.

upon our arrival, mr. invitee was lovingly washing his gator-type vehicle.  he asked if we wanted a ride.  why yes!  adventure after all.  so inside to find ms. invitee we go and it’s decided that we’ll prep some food, have some drinks and then go for a ride.

and what a ride it was!  we sped down country roads and highways, mostly on the shoulder going the opposite direction of traffic.  my mother, rest her soul, would have punched me.  hard.  we stopped at a horse farm with a bunch of emaciated horses and an acre or so of barren farm land.  prefect for some “off-roadin'”

later, during lunch, the subject turned political.  big opps to whoever turned it because it turned let me tell you.  downhill.  too much and too fast for it to ever fully recover.

“gas prices wouldn’t be so goddamn high if it weren’t for those goddamn towel heads running things over there”, mr. invitee said.

silence.

“and YOU want that ni**er to be president, too”, he added.

more silence.

he finished, “all we need in this country is a ni**er towel head running shit.”

ad VEN ture!

mr. D and i were in shock at this point.  and to be honest, i can’t relate the rest of what was said because i was fuming, holding it in and could only sigh once mr. D and i were safely back in our fuel efficient vehicle.  kinda like when you have to fart but you’re in a restaurant or some other such public place so it builds and the pressure becomes unbearable and then when you finally get to a place where you can let it rip it just sort of slides out in a wimpy little “pfftt” and you move on.  and so it went that mr. D and i could only look at each other and say “that was crazy” and move on.

yeah.  so now i’m not sure how i feel about whether we’re “ready” for a female or african american president.  i guess i’ll keep my fingers crossed that guys like this with creepy politics just stay home on november 4th.

 

 

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get you own goddamn wedding!

May 12, 2008

i pity the couple who want a “real” wedding.  so far, my experience planning a “fake” one has been nothing but a pain.  dos and don’ts, etiquette, tradition.  i’m up to my eyeballs in it.  and i can’t fathom what i would feel like if i actually thought i had to follow any of the guidelines bullshit.

i’ve already expressed some of my frustration in dealing with caterers who just don’t understand the concept of having a “cocktail party reception with no motherfucking ceremony”.  i’ll try to explain but there’s this long pause, and then the jaw slacks a little as their head tilts ever so slightly to the side.  it’s as if they’re a puppy doing something completely natural, like pissing wherever they feel like, who is suddenly being yelled at by its owner.  “bah-ru?”, they say, like they’ve never heard of pissing outside or having a “cocktail party reception with no motherfucking ceremony”.  i can’t imagine i’m the first one with this crazy wacky idea.

last week i sent the copy for my invitations to a friend of mr. D’s who happens to be a wedding planner.  she can get us a 50% discount on the invites so i happily sent her the info to place the order.  here is the instant messanger exchange that soon followed:

wedding planner: hey!  i’m ordering the invitations and had a quick question.  are you sure you want to put the full address of the reception location?  usually you dont do that

me: how do people know how to get there?

WP:  well, people usually include a map if its a place that’s not well known, but im sure all of your friends know where it is or how to use google.  traditionally you wouldn’t put the full address.  and personally, i think it looks better with out the street address

me:  we have quite a few people coming from out of town. actually, most of my friends will be coming from out of town and i’d prefer not to get 50 phone calls the day of asking how to get there.

WP:  you can do which ever you want, im just making sure

me:  i just asked mr. D and he wants the full address on there.

WP:  are you sure?  it’s just not something most people do.  and it can come off as tacky

me: tacky or not, unless it’s going to cost extra or not fit on the page, we’d like to have it on there.  period

WP:  are you sure?

me:  uh, yeah

WP:  okay! :)

 

at this point i wanted to say, “get your own goddamn wedding”!  i mean, when she plans her wedding she can go ahead and have her guests driving around for hours trying to locate a venue they’ve never heard of.

and it didn’t end there, folks.  she actually called mr. D and tried to talk him into vetoing my decision.  after i’d already told her, very clearly i might add, that we both wanted the full address on the invitations.  wtf!?!

it’s so trivial, i know.  and this blog is turning into adventures in akaWedding planning, i know.  but it’s my life at the moment.  as my new header suggests…

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this blog is not dead

April 3, 2008

that is all

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contradiction of the day

February 19, 2008

virago \vuh-RAH-go; vuh-RAY-go\, noun:
1. A woman of extraordinary stature, strength, and courage.
2. A woman regarded as loud, scolding, ill-tempered, quarrelsome, or overbearing.

– 

so? which is it?

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torture

February 8, 2008

we do not torture.

oh, wait. yeah we do.

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oh what a night…

October 8, 2007

early-to-mid-october in twothousandseven.

it’s a sunday.  about 8:30.  i’ve entertained.  i’ve watched some football.  i’ve prepped for wednesday’s depositions.  and now i attempt to download music illegally knowing full well i’ll end up logging on to iTunes and paying for the new beirut album.  which sucks.  not the album.  my god it’s good.  paying for music sucks.  my lap top is dying and i wish i had more to say.  mr. D is kindly cleaning the kitchen.  a disaster after chicken soft tacos and beans and rice and about nine diners total.  i need another beer.  scratch that.  i want another beer but have a sneaking suspicion we’ve been drank dry.  checking the download again i see the first track is still “initializing”.  fuck that.  if i have to drink two day old wine i will, goddangit.  maybe it’ll soften the iTunes blow.  i check again and the download has “failed”.  story of my life.