Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category


dirty laundry

June 10, 2008

it all started with the laundry.  but before i knew it i was leaving for work, my ring and a note on his desk, while he was still in the shower.  “if we can’t even figure out laundry, how are we supposed to figure out this” with an arrow pointing to my ring. 

we’d also fought the evening before.  feeling frustrated, backed into the proverbial corner, i did the one thing i do best.  i acted like a complete and total child.

i hope he can forgive me.


TMI Tuesdays #10

February 26, 2008

Q 1. what can you consider as the greatest thing you’ve ever done for/ to yourself?
A 1. immediately after my mom died in 2002 (literally two days after the funeral) i went on a road trip, by myself, in her convertible. it gave me a chance to get lost and explore myself. i was lucky enough to have a beautiful man join me for the last leg of the trip but that’s a story for another day.

Q 2. what/ which part of your life do you think you could have done better and why?
A 2. without a doubt, my teenage years/high school. my depressive state ruled everything in my life and turned me into a pretty pathetic loser. i gave up. and though i have no regrets, wish that i could have seen the light at the end of the tunnel a little sooner.

Q 3. do you have that one person whom you consider to be the wind beneath your wings?
A 3. my mom.

Q 4. tell us about your longest relationship.
A 4. i’ve written about it on this blog. looking back, although the time i spent with that person was significant in number of years it has been insignificant in impact on my life. i did a lot of coasting through life back then. i wasn’t genuinely happy. now that i know what true happiness is (in and out of a relationship) those years seem like a thin brush stroke on the much larger canvas of my life.

Q 5. in a relationship, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
A 5. i’m not really sure. perhaps i’d know when the work i put in does not equal the pleasure i get out?

Bonus Q. what is that one intimate moment with someone you miss so much and what are you willing to risk to have another moment of it.
Bonus A. thankfully i don’t have to risk anything. i know he’s coming back and that we have a lifetime of intimate moments to share.



February 23, 2008

he’s gone. and i feel it again.  that nag.  that need.

less than 24 hours ago we were in the same bed and now…

i’ll sleep alone.  never completely sated.

i know he’ll be back but this empty feeling.  this literally, physically empty feeling.  i hate it.

because it means i need him to feel complete.  normal.  sane.  i wonder still if that’s such a bad thing.  i’m not dying, mind you.  not in a state, as it were. 

but i can’t help but worry about growing so attached.  and honey, i’m so far past growing.  i’m there.  this very moment.  a wanton parasite. 

i dream to leach him dry.  i know he’d like it.

i count the days, hours, minutes.  i find myself in our bed.  hot.  for a moment and then it’s gone.  i’m left to live with a scent half as pungent.  and not poignant at all.  pedestrian, really.

fucking prosaic, in fact.



TMI Tuesdays: MySpace Quiz Style

January 31, 2008


1.who are you currently texting?
i guess i’ll send mr. d a little “i love you”

2. are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
erm, have you read the blog?

3. have you ever cried and didn’t know why?
i always know why

4. when is the last time you were truly happy with your life?
i am very happy and content right this very second

5. where was your default MySpace picture taken?
sitting at the bar in my kitchen, christmas eve 2006, getting drunk on mojitos with mr. d. there are some other very interesting pictures from that night as well

6. do you think long distance relationships are ever really worth it?
worth it? sure

7. whats your favorite color?

8. what do you do when you had a bad day?
act like a pissy bitch

9. have you ever visioned your own wedding?
sure, but that vision has changed a lot over the years. today i see a big, casual party with lots of friends and family

10. when is the last time you personally made someone else cry?
a while ago, but no so long that i’ve forgotten

[ i feel like i’ve answered some of these questions before…] 

11. what is your current ringtone?
vbrate and a low beep for calls, vibrate and an “asian” theme for texts

12. do you believe exes can really ever be “just friends”?
i think it takes time and that no matter what you or the other person says, there are always leftover feelings

13. what are you wearing on your feet?
black boots, aquarius socks

14. what do you wear to bed?

15. last thing you said?
“it’s better than having people bitch at me when they run out of ink!”

16. would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?
i never have and unless mr. d knows something i don’t, i never will

17. when is the last time you were on a vacation?
i took the week between christmas and new year off this year but didn’t go anywhere. i guess before that would be orlando with mr. d and about a year ago hawaii

18. do you make your bed every day?
no. when did this go out of fashion, mr. d?

19. are you too shy to tell people when you’re developing feelings for them?

20. do you use the internet or television more?
i don’t “use” the tv. i watch it, sure, but use it?

21. who messaged you last?
mr. d messaged me back

22. how do you like your eggs?
scrambled, soft or boiled or over medium or poached.  as long as they aren’t burnt or rubbery or totally raw, i’m happy

23. when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
see # 1

24. Hello Kitty or Strawberry Shortcake?
strawberry shortcake

25. what are your plans tonight?
hopefully sex! it’s been a day or two since i’ve had a good rimming

26. if you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?
as long as my boy could come with me.  oh, and EMMA!

27. have you ever done any acting on stage?
i was really into performing arts during my first two years of high school. then i found drugs and sex to be more entertaining

28. do you like being in pictures?
not really unless they come out superfantastic.  i’m very critical of myself in photographs

29. do you cry easily?
yes. at least once a day

30. have you ever been more attracted to a significant other’s sibling?

31. where is your phone?
in my purse on the floor under my desk

32. do you enjoy romance?
as long as it’s tasteful and not cheesy

33. do you tend to fall for people easily?
not typically

34. have you spent more time in your life single, or in a relationship?
i’ve had a string of long term relationships with bouts of singledom in between. i prefer to share my life with a partner

35. have you ever felt invincible?
no. if anything i feel meek

36. Lyrics stuck in your head?
“i’m not gonna write you a love song ’cause you ask for it, ’cause you need one”

37. do you always get along with your siblings?
my brother and i were best freekin’ friends in high school. i’d say we’re fairly close now

38. would you rather be cheated with, or on?

39. do you feel like you’ve got some growing up to do?
no way. i’m grown up enough

40. what did you do last night?
got home late from collecting signatures at the polls, ate some dinner, watched some tv, drafted a young democrats email, went to sleep

41. do you want to be king?
actually, my real name means “little prince”

42. are you tired?
no! the 6 a.m. work out actually gave me energy today

43. how many more people do you think you’ll kiss before you die?
you mean kiss kiss? i’d be happy to keep kissing the same guy i’ve been kissing for a while, thank you

44. any friends you’d like to tell how much you appreciate them?
sure!  all of two them that read this blog

45. last time you walked farther than one block?
all the time.  today, in fact, when i walk home from work


post dinner party

January 21, 2008

so. (i seem to start an awful lot of posts/paragraphs/sentences with “so”.  i want it to stop.)

the previously mentioned dinner party was awesome.  i totally forgot to bring a camera which is a shame because all of the food was spectacularly beautiful.  the guests, too.

some highlights in no particular order:

orange fennel snapper
wine for days
amaretto fruit dip
oatmeal cake
politics talk, work talk, food talk, period talk
april hugs (girl crush!!)

it was super sweet to connect with women my age (close enough) over food and wine and conversation.  it’s not something i do enough of. 

that is all.


who is driving the bus?

December 18, 2007

i’ve been a real jerk lately.  an immature, jerky-faced jerk off.  and i’m starting to believe that this is how i behave normally and i’m concerned.

perhaps i like the drama?  the thrill of the argument?

on sunday, while waiting for a table at our newest breakfast obsession, mr. d and i had a realization – we had never really had a conversation about how many sexual partners we’d each had in the past.  once, in the beginning stages of our lovely affair, we had a conversation of  a similar persuasion, but it finished abruptly with assurances by both that each had been recently tested for various sex bugs and a joke from mr. d about how it would be impossible to count the hordes of women he’d boinked over his lifetime.  

little did i know…he wasn’t joking.

so, back to sunday.  we start having the “what’s your number” conversation and i’m getting a little upset because he’s totally telling me he’s fucked more women than he has fingers on both hands.  he’s fucked friends he still hangs out with.  friends i’ve hung out with.  just friendly fucks but me never the wiser that my boyfriend’s rod has parted their sea of reeds.  “she’s just some friend” he’s told me on countless occasions about countless women.  yeah, some friend indeed.  and by this point my “little upset” is turning into a full blown hissy fit.  

and i just don’t get it.

and i’m the victim.

and how could he.

and i MUST KNOW who ALL these bitches are who’ve fucked and sucked and defiled my boyfriend and i MUST KNOW every detail of every encounter.

and if i don’t, well shit, i’m going to die.  yes, you heard me.  i’m going to up and goddamn die.  because some how, some way i’ve turned into my thirteen-year-old self and i’m about to loose control and i think i like it.

but we go about our morning.  and i’m marinating.  no, i’m stewing.  and i’m thinking about my reaction and why i’m so goddamn hurt.  it’s so complicated because some of the reasons are totally rational – why the hell are you having this conversation with him a full year after your first date?  idiot! – but some of the reasons border on pathological – what if all those women were BETTER than me!?!

it could be worse.

i’m not willing to let mr. d off the hook totally, though.  there are big issues here.  sex.  trust.  fidelity.  openness of communication.  and on and on.  i’m obviously feeling some kind of unmet need if i’m willing to have such a disproportionate reaction.  this i realize.

and i suspect i know what that unmet need is.  but how do i express myself to mr. d before all hell breaks lose and i turn into teenage mutant ninja jerk?  i mean, who is driving the bus?  me or thirteen-year-old me?  further exploration within myself is required.  suggestions are always appreciated.


capital D – Difficult

November 19, 2007

i didn’t think it would be this hard.  i didn’t think depression would grip me.  i didn’t think i would be that woman – jealous of a job. 

m. D has been working like crazy.  ten hour days, that turn into twelve because of the commute, have left me feeling pitiful.

i don’t understand this feeling, the covetousness that comes when mr. D leaves on these long jobs.

part of my problem comes from the fact that these career moves always come at the last minute.  i’m stunned, rendered senseless by the shock of it.  you mean i have to go through the week without you?

and then, when he returns, my eagerness (neediness?) throws our time asunder.

it’s a childish reaction, i realize.  but what can i do to overcome it?