Archive for the ‘guilt’ Category

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decisions decisions

November 7, 2007

my friend wrote a little note to his blog this week.  in the midst of his poetic waxing, which i love, he makes a promise to “write it” (read: blog) once a week.

i made a similar promise when i first started this pile of words.  though i didn’t set time guidelines, i did set, how shall i say, “topical” guidelines saying that i wanted this place to become a space in which i could reveal myself to myself and perhaps a small audience.  what i didn’t realize at the time?  how scary as shit that proposition actually is.

i have a lot to write about but i’m afraid.  here, because i’ve let people know of my existence, i am not anonymous.  revealing myself takes on new meaning and doesn’t feel as comfortable as i thought it would.  i have other people to consider.  i’ll go so far as to say that it’s mr. D i’m most worried about.  i’m worried that he will feel vulnerable or “revealed” in my writing.  that i might say things about him that he doesn’t want others to know bothers me.  temperance and caution rule the day.

so, i have two choices – start blogging here in code, creatively disguising my personal stories as fiction or nonsensical ramblings, or create a new blog that i tell no one about where i am totally pseudonymous.

 wait.  i do have a third choice – fuck it and write what i want with no apologies.

guess i’ve got some decisions to make.  any suggestions?

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Weekend Wrap-Up: It’s okay to ask for help

September 30, 2007

So once again I missed my Friday Fruits and Veggies post.  But I have a good excuse.  I was asleep by 6:00 last night.  Then up at 10 p.m. and back in bed at 1 a.m.  I didn’t roll out of bed today until about 10:30.

It’s been a rough week.  Work has been very busy and Mr. D and I single-handedly planned and executed a Young Democrats event on Thursday night.

This event, which had been talked about and conceptualized for about two months, literally came together in less than two weeks.  With some (read: minimal) help from the Board President and other members, we created and mailed about 1100 post card invites, learned “constant contact” and sent email invites to current members with its email marketing application, spruced up the website and myspace page to advertise the event, shopped for and prepared all the food and drink for about 70 guests, set-up and broke-down the day of the event…I am totally shocked it went off (seemingly) without a hitch. 

In the midst of putting together 100 antipasti skewers for the event (this is after I’d spent 3 hours shopping, turned 4 baguettes into crostini, made two different crostini toppings, prepped the goodies for the skewers and downed a half a bottle of wine) I thought, “I haven’t had dinner in three goddamn days!”

For real!  I told Mr. D on Wednesday that I felt like poo and that I was pissed that planning this event was making me sick.  I am not the kind of person who can go without significant sleep and regular meals.  I get dehydrated and bitchy and am reminded that I have hypothyroidism – something I hate being reminded of. 

I am still recouping two days out – getting back to regular eating and sleeping and water consumption – but ultimately I think it was worth it.  I mean, come on, this is the first time in my life, aside from when I was in school, that I’ve spent more hours in my day on something other than work and personal stuff like watching TV and having sex.  Along with feeling like shit I also feel a great sense of accomplishment. 

I had never done anything like this before, ostensibly planning a fairly upscale event (I would later learn that the venue was super posh) from start to finish for upwards of 50 people.  I had no idea how to work within a budget, how much food to buy, how much wine people would drink, whether the venue hostess would supply anything, should I get approval from the Board President or just GO!  Shit, I didn’t even see the venue until two days prior.  And jeebus was I sweating bullets when the woman who showed me the space said it would be a good idea to check with the concierge to make sure the room was booked and the $500 deposit paid.  Wait a minute.  Concierge???  Five Hundred Dollar Deposit!!!  We’re a bunch of Young Democrats for chrissake!!

Thankfully it all worked out and I learned big lessons in time management and delegation/control.  Hopefully I can take what I’ve learned and apply it to other events and, more importantly, to my own personal life.  I’ve mentioned here that I have a hard time saying “no” and honestly, even more difficult is saying “can you help me”.

I am fiercely independent. I get it from both sides.  My mother and my grandmother were/are very independent financially, mentally and emotionally and my father was extremely private, almost secretive when it came to his personal life.  I am slowly starting to realize that this personality trait isn’t a help, it’s a hindrance.  In planning this event in particular I would have been much better off if I had taken the offers of assistance I was given and reached out to those who didn’t explicitly offer help but who I knew would have helped but were simply waiting to be asked.

So my take-away is: Ask For Help If You Need It.  Let people in and don’t be ashamed or feel guilty if you can’t do it all on your own.  If a task is making you sick you need help but if you ask and people say “no”, so be it.  Life goes on.

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slacker

September 24, 2007

yeah.  i’m a slacker.  i missed my Friday Fruits and Veggies post on friday, i said earlier i would write about thursday’s dinner, and i’ve taken on the beer challenge at my local which i totally have to blog about but alas…haven’t.

sorry.  i’ll be back on the horse this week.  i promise.

like anyone reads this shit anyway.

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Guilt

September 10, 2007

Bitch PhD wrote a series of posts last week about her financial situation – thinking “I’m rich” yet unable to qualify for a decent home loan, revealing the imbalance between her income and expenses, and reacting to how society heaps guilt upon those who have more than they need and, heaven forbid, actually enjoy it.

So, stealing her thunder, I think I’ll list some of my guilty pleasures:

 – Waiting for Mr. D to leave for an all nighter so I can drink good microbrews (Hofbrau Oktoberfest and Brooklyn Summer Ale), surf the intertubes and watch really bad reality TV, think Whose Wedding Is It Anyway and Hogan Knows Best, ALONE.

 – Drinking good microbrews

 – Surfing the intertubes an endless number of hours a day 

 – Watching really bad reality TV

 – Spending too much money on food and booze

 – Driving my car to work every day even though it’s about a mile from home

 – Dirty sweaty mind blowing sex

 – Showering really late at night and going to bed with my hair in a towel

 – Manis, Pedis and Eyebrow waxes

 – Listening to punk rock

 – Myspace

 – Telling my boss and coworkers I have “errands to run” only so I can come home early and take a nap

 – Taking long naps

 – Reading really bad mystery novels…

The list could go on and on.  And honestly, I feel truly guilty about…um…none of it!  Those are pretty frivolous things.  If I had to do a serious list of things I’m really guilty about, or was made to feel guilty about, it would be fairly long.  My mother used guilt to keep me in line as a child, teenager and young adult so I am no stranger to its hurt.  I received an endless amount of “Honey, what you did really hurt mommy”.  But what that taught me is that the feelings derived from guilt (shame, sadness, anger, etc.) are self imposed.  Yes, I should feel badly for “hurting mommy” but more importantly I should focus on what I could have done differently to avoid those feelings.  If after a thorough examination I come to the conclusion that I’ve done nothing wrong, well, fuck it.  

For example, I have a tendency to not answer my cell phone even if it’s a call I really need or want to take (unless it’s Mr. D.).  I’ll let the caller leave a message and will return the call if and when I want to talk.  This drives me crazy (read: makes me feel guilty) because I think it’s super asshole-ish.  I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me.  I know I wouldn’t call someone unless it was important and I needed to communicate something with that person and I might even get pissed if they didn’t answer the phone especially if the issue was time sensative and I needed to talk to them NOW.

But, I still won’t answer that damn call even if I’m sitting on my ass doing nothing.  There are a few different reasons for this – a) I’m on the phone all day at work and that in itself drives me mad, b) typically when people call they are asking me for something (whether it’s to go out or take on a project) and I have trouble saying “no” so I’d just rather them leave a message and I’ll call back if it’s something I can do and c) I just don’t like to talk on the phone, period.  It feels impersonal and cell phones especially have a delay that makes talking on them even more so.

So instead of just saying “Meh.  It’s how I am, there isn’t much I can do and screw people if they hate me just because I never answer my phone”, I evaluate the level of discomfort I get from my decision to not answer the phone and work on the root of that discomfort.  Do I need to work on saying “no” so I can do it seat of my pants style during a phone conversation?  Do I need to do more to transition from work to home so I don’t carry over all the phone stress from my job into my personal life?  Do I need to work on feelings of inadequecy in friendships?  Do I need to get over myself and pick up every freekin’ phone call whether I know who it is and what they’re calling about or not?  These are tough but important questions, people! 

One thing I’ve learned about guilt it to embrace it.  Use it to your advantage and you will get  to know yourself better.