Archive for May, 2008


akaWedding updates

May 27, 2008

 – i have a dress!  purchased at a “fine department store” with the help of a close friend who swears she “felt chills” upon my donning, it is exactly what i wanted.  i think.  no, no, i know.  i just haven’t had it on for a few weeks.


 – save-the-dates  are awesome!  we totally ripped off the idea but whatev.  one of us works in a creaative field while claiming he’s not ceatiive and one of us thinks she’s creattive while being totally unsure how to spell the word.  we needed inspiration.


– invites!  done and done.  well, they’re ordered.  go us!  upon their arrival they will need to be addressed, stamped, sealed and taken to the post office.  that task should be completed by mid-july.  for an october wedding?  too early??  i’m sure the would have something to say about this! 


 – caterer rocks!  if my caterer was an LOLCat her caption would read – i no PLAN weddings.  i make dem.


 – lights, camera, holy shit this stuff’s expensive!!!  initially we weren’t going to do any major decorating of the akaWedding venue.  but, i saw two pictures online of the space decorated with tulle wrapped christmas lights and fell in love.  i’d given up the idea, however, thinking it was wayyyy outside of our budget ($750 for a professional to come out and set it up.  no thanks.) but the wedding planner is all about it, DIY style!  so, 150 yards of tulle later…  and!  we’re totally going to have a photo booth!  that too will be DIY – digital camera on a tripod with a hand held shutter button.  cross your fingers that it works! 


you may be a social retard if…

May 26, 2008

your neighbor’s new roommate comes over to your patio to say “hey” and you can’t fashion a response.

your neighbor’s new roommate asks what wine you’re drinking and although it is a very nice italian chardonay and pinot grigio blend, thankyouverymuch, you simply say “it’s white and it’s cold!”

upon seeing your neighbor’s new roommate cross the threshold between their patio and yours you immediately IM your boyfriend who is upstairs, “NEIGHBOR!!!”



yeah.  it’s as funny to you as it is to me.  shudder.





May 21, 2008

yesterday i was kindly linked by the Florida Progressive Coalition Blog for my creepy politics post.  thanks, ken!

i hope those who come by because of it aren’t totally turned off by some of my other shit musings.



creepy politics

May 19, 2008

as of late i’ve been weary of people who say that this country “isn’t ready” for a female OR african american president.  some of my weariness stems from a need for self-preservation.  i mean, if clinton or obama doesn’t win the presidency by a significant mandate…dear god, i don’t want to even imagine what that would do to my mental state.

but my main reason for objecting to that kind of logic is that it undermines decades (centuries, really) of grassroots’ struggle for gender and racial equality.  it suggests that the feminist and civil rights movements have had little effect on the day to day lives of most americans and that the cultural phenomena sought to be overturned by such movements are still deeply rooted within us.

and through my brain isn’t big enough to discuss the true theoretical intricacies of my argument, it just FEELS wrong to suggest that i, as a woman, am no better off because of feminism or that barack obama, as an aferican american, is no better off because of the civil rights movement.  by extension, it FEELS wrong to also suggest that the average american isn’t more open minded and tolerant because of these two “equality” movements (and countless others).

which leads me to recount a recent scene.

mr. D and i were invited by a friend of his to come over to the friend’s house for a late lunch.  i had no idea what to expect but i knew four things – the invitee is an older woman, the invitee lives with her long time boyfriend, they live on expansive acreage “out east” or “in the redneck part of town” and this “late lunch” was bound to be an adventure.

upon our arrival, mr. invitee was lovingly washing his gator-type vehicle.  he asked if we wanted a ride.  why yes!  adventure after all.  so inside to find ms. invitee we go and it’s decided that we’ll prep some food, have some drinks and then go for a ride.

and what a ride it was!  we sped down country roads and highways, mostly on the shoulder going the opposite direction of traffic.  my mother, rest her soul, would have punched me.  hard.  we stopped at a horse farm with a bunch of emaciated horses and an acre or so of barren farm land.  prefect for some “off-roadin'”

later, during lunch, the subject turned political.  big opps to whoever turned it because it turned let me tell you.  downhill.  too much and too fast for it to ever fully recover.

“gas prices wouldn’t be so goddamn high if it weren’t for those goddamn towel heads running things over there”, mr. invitee said.


“and YOU want that ni**er to be president, too”, he added.

more silence.

he finished, “all we need in this country is a ni**er towel head running shit.”

ad VEN ture!

mr. D and i were in shock at this point.  and to be honest, i can’t relate the rest of what was said because i was fuming, holding it in and could only sigh once mr. D and i were safely back in our fuel efficient vehicle.  kinda like when you have to fart but you’re in a restaurant or some other such public place so it builds and the pressure becomes unbearable and then when you finally get to a place where you can let it rip it just sort of slides out in a wimpy little “pfftt” and you move on.  and so it went that mr. D and i could only look at each other and say “that was crazy” and move on.

yeah.  so now i’m not sure how i feel about whether we’re “ready” for a female or african american president.  i guess i’ll keep my fingers crossed that guys like this with creepy politics just stay home on november 4th.




wherein disses my akaWedding

May 13, 2008

my akaWedding has been officially dubed a “cocktail party reception with no motherfucking ceremony”. and like any good citizen of the information age, i’ve used the interwebs a lot to help me with planning. from invitation wording, to food budgeting, to music, the world wide web is chock full of great ideas. with pictures!

for those who don’t know, the is the premiere tube destination for “couples seeking information and services to help plan their weddings and their future lives together”. gag me, right. but they are a resource nonetheless. and i was pleasantly surprised to find them at the top of a google search for “cocktail party reception with no motherfucking ceremony”.

the pleasantness ended there as we shall see below…

If you’re looking for a classy, low-cost, low-stress option, a cocktail reception may be for you. This type of reception focuses on hors d’oeuvres — either all stationary or passed, or some stationary and some passed — instead of a full meal, and guests stand and chat holding small, snack-laden plates while trying to balance their wine glasses.

the article starts off fairly well, with a complement if you will, by stating that a reception of this nature can be “classy”. i like classy and it is the most often used adjective when describing what i want my akaWedding to be. but “low-cost” and “low-stress”? not so much. and not the first insult theknot will throw my way.

i mean, i hardly think it nice to insinuate, in the first paragraph, that my guests will be holding “small” plates and uncomfortably balancing their drinks. any good cocktail party aficionado worth their weight in free booze knows you get drinks first, then scope a proper place for them, then, leaving your boyfriend to stand guard of said drinks, make your way to the food where you balance three plates of which one is for snacking off of on the way back to the above mentioned free booze. maybe i’ve been to a few too many cocktail parties in my day.  or maybe, DUH!

Because this type of reception isn’t an ideal format for the standard scheduled wedding events (bouquet toss, first dance) it may feel more like a party than a wedding reception. But if that’s what you’re after, this may be the perfect choice.

actually, there will be standard scheduled wedding events, namely champagne toast, first dance, dollar dance (we’re paying for the shit ourselves, people!), some roasting, cake cutting, and strippers. okay, maybe not strippers, but shit, theknot, good to know i have a “choice” other than stuffy ass sit down dinner and bouquet toss.

i also love their tips on timing and type of food. apparently, guests expect a “full meal” if your reception is between 6 and 10 p.m. the akaWedding is scheduled from 6:30 until whenever they kick us out (likely 11 for those who care but an afterparty is inevitable, trust). and, get this, i have to have forks if seafood ravioli is on the menu. you don’t say!  i mean, how insulting.  i’m not four.  i know what a fork is.

lastly, and the biggest fail in my book, doesn’t know my friends:

Keep in mind…[at this type of reception] guests may drink more than they would at a full meal, so liquor costs may be higher.

full meal or not, my peeps can drink. one of the many reasons why i love them so dearly.

is there no one out there in wedding planning world who understands that we’re dong it this way because WE WANT TO? because we think our friends and family will enjoy it more? because it’s not a “wedding” it’s a “cocktail party reception with no motherfucking ceremony”? it’s a celebration bitches [grab a drink, grab a glass, after that I grab yo ass]!


get you own goddamn wedding!

May 12, 2008

i pity the couple who want a “real” wedding.  so far, my experience planning a “fake” one has been nothing but a pain.  dos and don’ts, etiquette, tradition.  i’m up to my eyeballs in it.  and i can’t fathom what i would feel like if i actually thought i had to follow any of the guidelines bullshit.

i’ve already expressed some of my frustration in dealing with caterers who just don’t understand the concept of having a “cocktail party reception with no motherfucking ceremony”.  i’ll try to explain but there’s this long pause, and then the jaw slacks a little as their head tilts ever so slightly to the side.  it’s as if they’re a puppy doing something completely natural, like pissing wherever they feel like, who is suddenly being yelled at by its owner.  “bah-ru?”, they say, like they’ve never heard of pissing outside or having a “cocktail party reception with no motherfucking ceremony”.  i can’t imagine i’m the first one with this crazy wacky idea.

last week i sent the copy for my invitations to a friend of mr. D’s who happens to be a wedding planner.  she can get us a 50% discount on the invites so i happily sent her the info to place the order.  here is the instant messanger exchange that soon followed:

wedding planner: hey!  i’m ordering the invitations and had a quick question.  are you sure you want to put the full address of the reception location?  usually you dont do that

me: how do people know how to get there?

WP:  well, people usually include a map if its a place that’s not well known, but im sure all of your friends know where it is or how to use google.  traditionally you wouldn’t put the full address.  and personally, i think it looks better with out the street address

me:  we have quite a few people coming from out of town. actually, most of my friends will be coming from out of town and i’d prefer not to get 50 phone calls the day of asking how to get there.

WP:  you can do which ever you want, im just making sure

me:  i just asked mr. D and he wants the full address on there.

WP:  are you sure?  it’s just not something most people do.  and it can come off as tacky

me: tacky or not, unless it’s going to cost extra or not fit on the page, we’d like to have it on there.  period

WP:  are you sure?

me:  uh, yeah

WP:  okay! :)


at this point i wanted to say, “get your own goddamn wedding”!  i mean, when she plans her wedding she can go ahead and have her guests driving around for hours trying to locate a venue they’ve never heard of.

and it didn’t end there, folks.  she actually called mr. D and tried to talk him into vetoing my decision.  after i’d already told her, very clearly i might add, that we both wanted the full address on the invitations.  wtf!?!

it’s so trivial, i know.  and this blog is turning into adventures in akaWedding planning, i know.  but it’s my life at the moment.  as my new header suggests…


may eighth

May 8, 2008

today, my father has been dead ten years.  he passed on a friday late in the evening.  through shattering pain, he’d called his sister that morning to say goodbye.  by the time my brother and i were called to his bedside he was unresponsive.  i remember holding his hand, small and dry, and stroking his forehead.  his mouth was flung open and he loudly struggled for breath as his girlfriend, a southern baptist turned christian metaphysician, hymned still louder the twenty third psalm.  in an instant i was half way to becoming an adult orphan.

today, my father has been dead ten years and i find this to be true: the space between an independent woman and a girl who needs her dad is very small.