who is driving the bus?

December 18, 2007

i’ve been a real jerk lately.  an immature, jerky-faced jerk off.  and i’m starting to believe that this is how i behave normally and i’m concerned.

perhaps i like the drama?  the thrill of the argument?

on sunday, while waiting for a table at our newest breakfast obsession, mr. d and i had a realization – we had never really had a conversation about how many sexual partners we’d each had in the past.  once, in the beginning stages of our lovely affair, we had a conversation of  a similar persuasion, but it finished abruptly with assurances by both that each had been recently tested for various sex bugs and a joke from mr. d about how it would be impossible to count the hordes of women he’d boinked over his lifetime.  

little did i know…he wasn’t joking.

so, back to sunday.  we start having the “what’s your number” conversation and i’m getting a little upset because he’s totally telling me he’s fucked more women than he has fingers on both hands.  he’s fucked friends he still hangs out with.  friends i’ve hung out with.  just friendly fucks but me never the wiser that my boyfriend’s rod has parted their sea of reeds.  “she’s just some friend” he’s told me on countless occasions about countless women.  yeah, some friend indeed.  and by this point my “little upset” is turning into a full blown hissy fit.  

and i just don’t get it.

and i’m the victim.

and how could he.

and i MUST KNOW who ALL these bitches are who’ve fucked and sucked and defiled my boyfriend and i MUST KNOW every detail of every encounter.

and if i don’t, well shit, i’m going to die.  yes, you heard me.  i’m going to up and goddamn die.  because some how, some way i’ve turned into my thirteen-year-old self and i’m about to loose control and i think i like it.

but we go about our morning.  and i’m marinating.  no, i’m stewing.  and i’m thinking about my reaction and why i’m so goddamn hurt.  it’s so complicated because some of the reasons are totally rational – why the hell are you having this conversation with him a full year after your first date?  idiot! – but some of the reasons border on pathological – what if all those women were BETTER than me!?!

it could be worse.

i’m not willing to let mr. d off the hook totally, though.  there are big issues here.  sex.  trust.  fidelity.  openness of communication.  and on and on.  i’m obviously feeling some kind of unmet need if i’m willing to have such a disproportionate reaction.  this i realize.

and i suspect i know what that unmet need is.  but how do i express myself to mr. d before all hell breaks lose and i turn into teenage mutant ninja jerk?  i mean, who is driving the bus?  me or thirteen-year-old me?  further exploration within myself is required.  suggestions are always appreciated.



  1. i can’t tell you how many of mr. big’s friends have this attached in flaming letters beside their names in my head “we dated briefly”

    i can’t tell you how many women he’s had friendly relations with before me.

    well i can… and lucky for us our number is fairly similar.

    nonetheless, it drives me nuts to sit around in a room with these woman and KNOW they know what it feels like to have his marvelous cock part their nether lips and slide home…

    however there is one crucial fact i’m after remembering here and it’s this:
    he’s with ME now.

    if he wanted to be with them? he still would be.

    and honey? are you really really sure you want those details? really?

  2. […] nenasadije. searching for myself one word at a time… « who is driving the bus? oh snap! December 20, 2007 as the calendar flips through december’s short days i […]

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