Archive for October, 2007

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get down with the sickness

October 27, 2007

this whole quitting smoking thing has been an experience.  i will go stretches without ever thinking about a cigarette.  then, like a mac truck, it hits me and i feel like a heroin addict.  big meals, the smell of coffee and drinking booze seem to be triggers. 

tonight i had pre-dinner drinks with mr. D and friend G at a local haunt.  it’s a coffee-shop-slash-wine-bar and the smell of espresso was killing me along with the dark berry shiraz i was drinking.  it took all my energy to not stand up and proclaim my non-smoking days over.  i was THIS CLOSE to going to the store for a pack of smokes.

 but i held firm.

we had dinner and then ventured to a fairly new bar on the circuit.  a smoking bar!  i swear to fucking god that every mother in that place lit up the moment i walked in.  fuckers.

some time later G was kind enough to ask whether i minded him having a smoke.  it was at that moment that i realized that the smoky bar was quite appealing to me.  the smell was intoxicating and maybe because of that i didn’t feel the urge to smoke at all.  funny how those things work.

so now i’m home.  i can smell the smoke on me.  my hair, so beautifully non-smoky for the last few days, now smells like an ash tray.  i inhale deeply and longingly and in the same moment that i want to smoke i am also filled with a tiny bit of pride because i won’t. 

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Venus and Adonis

October 24, 2007

Like a red morn that ever yet betokened,
Wreck to the seaman, tempest to the field,
Sorrow to the shepherds, woe unto the birds,
Gusts and foul flaws to herdmen and to herds

.

the alarm clock cackles

again

eyes open, gaze falls

halcyon mornings become you

stir and shift

bodies moor together

no longer two ships

adrift in scarlet morn sky

“Fondling,” she saith, “since I have hemm’d thee here
Within the circuit of this ivory pale,
I’ll be a park, and thou shalt be my deer;
Feed where thou wilt, on mountain or in dale:
Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry,
Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie”

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one year

October 24, 2007

one year ago tonight mr. d and i had our first date.  after a boat load of sushi and bottle of sake between the two of us, we ended up back at my place.  mr. d would tell you that as he moved in for a good night hug, i jumped on him, started sucking his face and wouldn’t let him leave.  i would tell you that as i stood on tip toes to give him a good night kiss, mr. d picked me up and carried me to my bed. 

either way, we’ve only spent a handful of nights apart since.

tonight, we really didn’t do much to celebrate, what with the whole detox thing.  but we did manage to get each other gifts and man, was i outdone.

for mr. d – cufflinks, a filmmaker magazine subscription (sorry, honey, it hasn’t come in the mail yet), and a nice homemade card and note.

from mr. d – A TATTOO!!

yes, ladies and gentlemen, i will be getting my first ink very soon courtesy of mr. d. 

he is the best man who ever lived.

thank you, love.  

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enter the detox

October 22, 2007

as my previous post indicates, i’ve quit smoking.

no longer will i be huffing that first smoke of the day while driving the excruciatingly short distance to my office every morning.  no more excusing myself in the middle of dinner with friends to enjoy the one-two-punch of red wine and tobacco.  sunday mornings with coffee, newspaper and pack of camels?  not in (the rest of) this lifetime.

although i am grieving, i feel really good about my decision.  after smoking irregularly since middle school and consistently since turning 18, except for one six month stretch in my early 20s when i stopped by using hypnotherapy, it was time to quit.

i knew i would never be able to quit cold turkey – just stop smoking and continue on with my regular routine of bad food, irregular eating, coffee, booze, and late nights.  i knew i needed something holistic but drastic.  something that would take over my life and kick my ass and ultimately keep my mind off smoking…

enter the detox.

there are innumerable ways to go about detoxing one’s body – juice and water fasts, colonics, raw food diets, the Master Cleanse.  i did a lot of research and think i took the simple route by adapting Elson Haas’(The) detox diet which is fairly straight forward and not too restricting.  to read the full Hass plan click here.

my plan is essentially all the raw or steamed veggies i can eat with olive oil, tamari and/or salt, lots of water (and the water leftover from steaming veggies), carbs in the morning (fruit, brown rice and quinoa), protein in the afternoon (lentils, fish or chicken) and all the caffeine free tea i can drink. everything else is out – no coffee, no booze, no dairy, no sugar. i’m also taking lots of supplements – vitamin e, selenium, fish oil and EmergenC for immune support and lymph cleansing, psyllium and senna tea for bowel cleansing, and white willow bark for headache help.

so, how are things going, you ask?  it’s taken me about four days to write this post, that’s how tired i’ve been, and i’ve been suffering with a killer headache from the caffeine withdrawal.  i’m getting my energy back for the most part and i’ve not been hungry or had any serious food cravings.  i have, however, been constantly aware of my desire for a cigarette.  it’s almost overwhelming at times.  i really miss the sense of relaxation i would get from “taking a break” to go outside and smoke.  the great thing about all this is that Mr. D has agreed to participate as well.  he’s been hugely supportive.  i really can’t thank him enough.  [i love you, pf].

i really don’t have much more to say as i’m feeling kinda blah.  maybe later. 

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nice knowing ya, joe camel

October 18, 2007

good riddance.

more tomorrow.

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icanhascheezburger does it again

October 16, 2007

not so hard

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wherein post secret makes me cry…again

October 15, 2007

heart.fucking.breaking