h1

Guilt

September 10, 2007

Bitch PhD wrote a series of posts last week about her financial situation – thinking “I’m rich” yet unable to qualify for a decent home loan, revealing the imbalance between her income and expenses, and reacting to how society heaps guilt upon those who have more than they need and, heaven forbid, actually enjoy it.

So, stealing her thunder, I think I’ll list some of my guilty pleasures:

 – Waiting for Mr. D to leave for an all nighter so I can drink good microbrews (Hofbrau Oktoberfest and Brooklyn Summer Ale), surf the intertubes and watch really bad reality TV, think Whose Wedding Is It Anyway and Hogan Knows Best, ALONE.

 – Drinking good microbrews

 – Surfing the intertubes an endless number of hours a day 

 – Watching really bad reality TV

 – Spending too much money on food and booze

 – Driving my car to work every day even though it’s about a mile from home

 – Dirty sweaty mind blowing sex

 – Showering really late at night and going to bed with my hair in a towel

 – Manis, Pedis and Eyebrow waxes

 – Listening to punk rock

 – Myspace

 – Telling my boss and coworkers I have “errands to run” only so I can come home early and take a nap

 – Taking long naps

 – Reading really bad mystery novels…

The list could go on and on.  And honestly, I feel truly guilty about…um…none of it!  Those are pretty frivolous things.  If I had to do a serious list of things I’m really guilty about, or was made to feel guilty about, it would be fairly long.  My mother used guilt to keep me in line as a child, teenager and young adult so I am no stranger to its hurt.  I received an endless amount of “Honey, what you did really hurt mommy”.  But what that taught me is that the feelings derived from guilt (shame, sadness, anger, etc.) are self imposed.  Yes, I should feel badly for “hurting mommy” but more importantly I should focus on what I could have done differently to avoid those feelings.  If after a thorough examination I come to the conclusion that I’ve done nothing wrong, well, fuck it.  

For example, I have a tendency to not answer my cell phone even if it’s a call I really need or want to take (unless it’s Mr. D.).  I’ll let the caller leave a message and will return the call if and when I want to talk.  This drives me crazy (read: makes me feel guilty) because I think it’s super asshole-ish.  I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me.  I know I wouldn’t call someone unless it was important and I needed to communicate something with that person and I might even get pissed if they didn’t answer the phone especially if the issue was time sensative and I needed to talk to them NOW.

But, I still won’t answer that damn call even if I’m sitting on my ass doing nothing.  There are a few different reasons for this – a) I’m on the phone all day at work and that in itself drives me mad, b) typically when people call they are asking me for something (whether it’s to go out or take on a project) and I have trouble saying “no” so I’d just rather them leave a message and I’ll call back if it’s something I can do and c) I just don’t like to talk on the phone, period.  It feels impersonal and cell phones especially have a delay that makes talking on them even more so.

So instead of just saying “Meh.  It’s how I am, there isn’t much I can do and screw people if they hate me just because I never answer my phone”, I evaluate the level of discomfort I get from my decision to not answer the phone and work on the root of that discomfort.  Do I need to work on saying “no” so I can do it seat of my pants style during a phone conversation?  Do I need to do more to transition from work to home so I don’t carry over all the phone stress from my job into my personal life?  Do I need to work on feelings of inadequecy in friendships?  Do I need to get over myself and pick up every freekin’ phone call whether I know who it is and what they’re calling about or not?  These are tough but important questions, people! 

One thing I’ve learned about guilt it to embrace it.  Use it to your advantage and you will get  to know yourself better.

Advertisements

One comment

  1. […] apply it to other events and, more importantly, to my own personal life.  I’ve mentioned here that I have a hard time saying “no” and honestly, even more difficult is saying […]



Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: